A Quick Word On The List
When I originally set out on this quest, the only thing I thought about was ranking these movies. I hadn’t yet worked out what else I might find out or do on a quest this large. The only items I had to work with were my five original criteria for what makes a Dolph Lundgren feature film:
Criteria #1: It Must Be a Fictional Feature Film
Criteria #2: Dolph Must Play A Major Character
Criteria #3: Plot Doesn’t Matter, But A Story Can’t Hurt
Criteria #4: Points Awarded for Extreme Action
Criteria #5: Points Awarded for Sexy and/or Shirtless Dolph
One of the weird things about action stars is how they are often billed high on a film yet are only in a few minutes of the entire picture. As such, there were quite a few films Dolph Lundgren is famous for that aren’t really Dolph Lundgren films. Sure, he is in them, but he is not the protagonist or even one of the main characters in the movie.
For instance, The Expendables is ultimately a Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham film. Eric Roberts actually has more screen time in The Expendables than fourth billed Dolph Lundgren. Ultimately, I found myself watching some films only to find there was very little Dolph screen time. As such, there was a whole swath of films that were ineligible based upon the sheer lack of Dolph.
As I worked through the list, I found that it was hard to order them sometimes. To make it easier, I have broken down this list into tiers. Quite simply there were good action films, meh movies, bad films, and a movie that wasn’t really much of a film at all. If it isn’t on this list, it simply isn’t a Dolph film.
The Good
This list contains movies that were entertaining and worth another watch. They were the best of the bunch, even if they were a little off sometimes. I did myself a solid and saved my three prior favorite films until the end to ensure I got the rankings correct. Surprisingly, two of them moved down in the list. My favorite did not.
#1 Dark Angel / I Come In Peace
I have been obsessed with this movie since it came out. My dad was the one that showed it to me. He found it at the movie store and was like “oh man, the giant scary alien keeps saying ‘I COME IN PEACE’ and then kills people.” As a 7 year old, this was very appealing. As a 38 year old, this movie still rules. The only alien on a rampage movie I might like as much as Dark Angel is The Hidden.
Dark Angel is a high action sci-fi flick with a villain that is large enough to actually make me believe Dolph has a fight on his hands. This movie has it all. Insane coked-out 80’s plot. Explosions for days. Sexy action star. Buddy cop fu. Rocking score / soundtrack.
In this film, Dolph plays an extremely sexy tight t-shirt wearing, brunette mulleted cop hunting down an evil alien who is on a killing spree and making drugs out of endorphins from dead people. Matthias Hues is absolutely terrifying as the bad alien. Brian Benben is a fantastic buddy cop character. Mark Lowenthal captivates the screen as a whacked out scientist. Come for the action and stay for the time when Dolph says “And you go in pieces asshole.” Dark Angel is available for streaming on Tubi.
#2 Red Scorpion
Remember how I said points would be awarded for high action and sexy and/or shirtless Dolph? Red Scorpion has both in great abundance. This film is a tale as old as time: programmed killer Russian soldier turns rebel after taking a guided walkabout in the bush. What isn’t there to love about an anti-communist propaganda film written in part by corrupt felon Jack Abramoff, directed by the legendary Joseph Zito, filmed surreptitiously in Namibia, and possibly financed by the Apartheid South African government?
What is lacking in plot is more than made up for by the hilarity of the average 80’s Republican’s idea of fighting communism in Angola. Red Scorpion stars a mostly naked Dolph Lundgren who literally shines brightly on screen. His scenes on the walkabout with the bushman are almost touching. M. Emmet Walsh slays as a wily old man. There is a seemingly never-ending barrage of explosions and chaos near the end of the film that will make an action lover cream their pants. Red Scorpion is available to rent on Amazon Prime.
#3 Men of War
I won’t lie: this is a higher quality film than both Dark Angel and Red Scorpion. However, Men of War does not have the cheesy 80’s panache that I love in my Dolph Lundgren films (See: Criteria #4 and Criteria #5). While this film suffers slightly from a lack of shirtless Dolph, it more than makes up for it with his great acting performance. It also stars a whole host of other people I love like BD Wong, Trevor Goddard, Tiny Lister Jr., and Catherine Bell.
This is the touching tale of a mercenary who goes on a mission to get a contract signed and helps the locals fight the man instead. The putting the band together montage at the beginning is great. BD Wong is hilarious, Trevor Goddard is a fabulous villain, and Tiny Lister gets his balls pounded in by children. Packed with excellent action and better acting than most action films, Men of War should not be missed. Men of War is available for streaming on Plex.
#4 The Last Patrol / The Last Warrior
What do I love more than almost anything? A good apocalypse story! The opening monologue of The Last Patrol is surprisingly relevant in the time of COVID-19, and it sets the tone for the Tremors-style desert vibe of the rest of the film. Chock full of inner monologue and bad puns, The Last Patrol serves up a decent performance by Dolph and lots of laughs. Is it cheesy? Does it lack the action you might expect? Is partially clothed daddy Dolph hot? The answer to all of these questions is yes. The Last Patrol is available for streaming on Tubi.
#5 Joshua Tree / Army of One
Ever wanted to see Dolph in a car thieving movie? Joshua Tree gives it to us with his shirt open! As a DOOL fan, I was sure skeptical about seeing Kristian Alfonso (aka Hope) play a cop. However, she didn’t disappoint and held her own as a strong female lead. While this movie could have used much more Ken Foree, it was a fun romp through the desert complete with car chases and shootouts. Joshua Tree is available for streaming on Pluto.
The Rest of the Best
Each of these movies is truly entertaining. The rest of the movies on the best list simply did not have enough Dolph, enough action, enough sexy / shirtless Dolph, and/or fun plots. While they all differ in quality, each movie on this list is worth more than one watch. Next to each film, I have denoted which type of Dolph you can expect to see in the movie.
#6 Masters of the Universe: Scantily Clad He-Man Dolph plus Super Hot Teela
#7 Universal Soldier: Insane PTSD Soldier-Terminator Dolph plus Naked JCVD
#8 The Punisher: Sexy Revenge Mobster Killing Dolph plus Lou
#9 Don’t Kill It: Supernatural Demon Hunting Monster of the Week Dolph
#10 Rocky IV: Iconic Sexy Boxing Russian Dolph
#11 Command Performance: Sexy Ex-Biker Drummer Daddy Dolph
#12 Kindergarten Cop 2: Suited Up Agent Teacher Daddy Dolph
#13 Skin Trade: Hot Cop Daddy Dolph
#14 Pentathlon: East German Defector Olympic Athlete Dolph
#15 The Russian Specialist / The Mechanik: Sexy Brutal Revenge Killer Dolph
#16 Sweepers: Sexy Mercenary Humanitarian Mine Hunting Dolph
#17 The Package: Psycho German Daddy Dolph plus Stone Cold Steve Austin
#18 Missionary Man: Big Bad Biker Walking Tall Daddy Dolph
#19 The Tracker: Sophisticated European Revenge Seeking Daddy Dolph
#20 Detention: Hot Savior Teacher Dolph
The Meh
All of these movies were truly disappointing in some way shape or form. Some of them suffered from bad scripts (see #21 and #22), yawnfests (see #24 and #31), lack of quality action (see #25), or any semblance of acting from the majority of the cast (see #28). I would not watch any of these movies again. However, they have some redeeming qualities for a one time watch.
#21 Showdown in Little Tokyo
#22 Castle Falls
#23 The Peacekeeper
#24 Hidden Assassin
#25 War Pigs
#26 Battle of the Damned
#27 Larceny
#28 The Defender
#29 Direct Action
#30 Cover Up
#31 Silent Trigger
The Bad
These films are simply bad. With the exception of The Minion (which was so terrible I laughed for all of the wrong reasons), I do not recommend watching them. Many of these films I turned off, or I wish I would have turned off by the time I got to the end. Watch these films at your own risk.
#32 The Minion
#33 Hidden Agenda
#34 Bridge of Dragons
#35 In The Name of the King: Two Worlds
#36 Direct Contact
#37 Puncture Wounds
#38 Blood of Redemption
#39 Diamond Dogs
#40 Storm Catcher
#41 Blackjack
#42 Dead Trigger
#43 Icarus
#44 Jill Rips
#45 Retrograde
Not A Film: Agent Red
Hands down the worst thing I saw was a “movie” called Agent Red. If you’re anything like me, you would see Dolph Lundgren and Jim Wynorski and think “oh man this is probably going to be a good action skin flick”. You would be very wrong.
The entire opening of this film is ripped straight from Storm Catcher, which was made the prior year. As that scene was one of the best from Storm Catcher, I can confidently assert that Agent Red never gets better. At one point in the film Dolph’s character is asked if he’s ever heard of Agent Red. Dolph’s character replies “sounds like a bad action movie.” How right he was.
From reading about Agent Red, it seems as though the producers hired Wynorski in an attempt to salvage a complete disaster of a film. They thought “hey, let’s smash together some reshoots with some stock footage and release … something resembling a movie.” Instead, they should have just accepted the sunk cost and moved on.
