Eurovision 2022 Songs: An American’s Preliminary Hot Takes Nobody Asked For
I always thought March was a bunk month until I found Eurovision. For us Eurovision Song Contest fans (ESC if you’re nasty), March marks the time when we finally know all of the entries. Every year, our household celebrates by taking time to watch all of the music videos in preparation for ESC in May. Since we finished our watch and have spent the last month listening heavily to Eurovision songs, here are our hot takes on this year’s entries that nobody asked for.
Side Note: I also take the time to rifle through national song competitions to find other hot tracks to make a playlist to get me hype. This is this year’s.
Below are my hot takes on each country and this year’s entries.
Albania — Ronela Hajati — “Sekret”
Initial Thoughts: Albania is really hit or miss for me. This is not a bad song, but it’s no “Ktheju Tokës”. I am very happy that it’s not a ballad. The beat is good, and her voice is passable. I think it will make a semi.
Likely Appeals To: Sassy 8–10 Year Old Girls, Messy Teens and Tweens, and Rowdy 20somethings
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A cable TV show before, during, or after a one night stand
Armenia — Rosa Linn — “Snap”
Initial Thoughts: Armenia has sent some great songs in the past, but also a lot of meh. This is my favorite Armenian entry since 2014. It is cheesy and saccharine and fully stuck in my head. It makes me want to watch a rom-com.
Likely Appeals To: Singer-Songwriters, Librarians, and Rom-com Fans
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A rom-com movie during the “I am trying to build myself back up on my own” montage before the reconciliation and GAP
Australia — Sheldon Riley — “Not the Same”
Initial Thought: He can sing, and you can tell he did it on singing competitions … but I am bored. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I beg of you Australia to stop trying to pander to us queers. Not every song needs to be about us being different. I am 100% gutted that Voyager did not go through with “Dreamer”. That song is amazing with great live show quality. That 3 point loss is just one more example of how the juries stick it to us voters.
Likely Appeals To: Grey’s Anatomy Enthusiasts and People with Theater Company Season Passes
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A nighttime soap opera after something really traumatic happens to one of the main characters and Kroger
Austria — Lumix feat. Pia Maria — “Halo”
Initial Thoughts: This is that “Loin d’ici” heat I have been missing from Austria. This song is a certified banger with a pulsing beat reminds me of Robert Miles’ “Children” and it definitely has “Holding Out for a Hero” vibes. Every year, I have a song that I know will do poorly but will reach my highest spins on Spotify, and this is 2022's.
Likely Appeals To: Twitch Streamers, TikTokers, Weebs, Programmers, Coders, Youths, Dancers, and Runners
Most Likely To Be Heard In: An ADD supercut of video game footage
Azerbaijan — Nadir Rustamli — “Fade to Black”
Initial Thoughts: Azerbaijan is a country that normally brings the heat. I played the hell out of “Skeletons” and “Truth”. Nadir can sing, but this song sadly does not do it for me because it just gets going right as it ends!
Likely Appeals To: Slow Song Voters
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A European Netflix drama at the end of the episode and into the beginning of credits
Belgium — Jérémie Makiese — “Miss You”
Initial Thoughts: Belgium is always hit or miss for me. I loved entries like “Rhythm Inside” and “City Lights”, but the last 4 years have been a snoozer. I might have liked “The Wrong Place” if she wouldn’t have been talking about her Johnny Cash T-shirt like a hipster who just learned about classic country. Onto this entry, it’s okay, but it’s boring. It doesn’t really go anywhere.
Likely Appeals To: Teens and Sad Boys / Softboys
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A European Netflix teen drama when the character puts their headphones in and gets moody
Bulgaria — Intelligent Music Project — “Intention”
Initial Thoughts: Bulgaria had a streak that made them a huge wildcard. They mesmerized us with “If Love Was A Crime”, almost won as a dark horse with “Beautiful Mess”, and sent harmonies from the gods with “Bones”. Then we had two years of straight boring entries. Now we get the socially conscious rock song for fathers and sons! This song isn’t bad, and it is oddly catchy. I love this video that looks like it’s from an episode of Lexx or The Outer Limits, and I still don’t know what to think.
Likely Appeals To: 11–13 year old boys and 40–45 year old dads
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A bad driving movie in which the female driver beats the male driver
Croatia — Mia Dimšić — “Guilty Pleasure”
Initial Thoughts: Croatia and I have a tumultuous relationship at ESC. I have a soft spot for the schizophrenic production known as “My Friend” and genuinely thought “Tick-Tock” was one of the best songs last year and was shocked when it did not go through. Albina deserved better! Other than that, recent years have been a big woof. I actually like this song, but it’s unforgettable when stacked up against the rest of the competition.
Likely Appeals To: Female College Freshmen
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A European Netflix teen drama montage featuring sleepless teens in love and Free People
Cyprus — Andromache — “Ela” (Έλα)
Initial Thoughts: Not again! I get it, it’s cool to try to repeat the success of “Fuego”. But we already did that with “Replay” and “El Diablo”. This version of the hot female pop singer is essentially someone breathily moaning the entire time. It’s like a sea witch or siren calling sailors to their doom. I can’t imagine this stage show will be anything to write home about, but the song isn’t bad.
Likely Appeals To: Princessas, Sirens, and People on Boats
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A flyover scene in a nighttime drama or police procedural showing a Mediterranean beach and someone on a boat
Czech Republic — We Are Domi — “Lights Off”
Initial Thoughts: This is exactly the kind of song I expect from Czech Republic. The last few years, they sent radio friendly songs like “Lie to Me”, “Friend of a Friend”, “Kemama”, and “omaga”. This song is fire, and I listen to it multiple times a day. That being said, I do not expect it to have a good stage show.
Likely Appeals To: 20somethings and 30somethings
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A montage in an edgy romantic drama series when the main characters break up but one is doing way better than the other and the Apple Store
Denmark — Reddi — “The Show”
Initial Thoughts: After winning in 2013, Denmark had a skid but recovered with some recent bangers. Rasmussen stole my heart with “Higher Ground”, Ben deserved better than Tan with “YES”, and I was absolutely shocked and gutted when Fyr og Flamme did not qualify for the grand final with “Øve os på hinanden”. (Side note: I want to live in the world where Fyr og Flamme wins, and they host the most 80’s throwback ESC show of all time.) I’m pretty sure I met this entry at a bar in Logan Square … maybe at The Moonlighter? While I appreciate what they are trying to do and that it picks up near the end, it’s just not my cup of tea.
Likely Appeals To: Middle School Girls and High School Girls
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A coming of age story with a female protagonist and Charlotte Russe
Estonia — Stefan — “Hope”
Initial Thoughts: I love Eesti Laul. It is my favorite song contest behind Melodifestivalen and Melodi Grand Prix. Last year, I had more songs on my Spotify playlist from Eesti Laul than any other country song contest. While I absolutely love Stig Rästa and his entry from this year, “Hope” is a certified banger. I absolutely love the spaghetti western pop country vibe. This is probably my favorite song from this year.
Likely Appeals To: 40somethings and Country Fans
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A financial commercial and Lucky
Finland — The Rasmus — “Jezebel”
Initial Thoughts: I love Finland. It is a beautiful country, the food and beverage game is great, and I have quite a few friends spread across the country. I always want to like Finnish entries … but so many bad songs get sent. Lordi is one of my favorite winners of all time, and I’m a huge Saara Aalto fan. I even loved the shortest song ever at ESC, “Aina mun pitää”. After doing well with Blind Channel last year, I get why Finland sent another rock entry. This is just meh though. I preferred the runner up.
Likely Appeals To: The Rock Vote
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A training montage or at a bar
France — Alvan and Ahez — “Fulenn”
Initial Thoughts: While I love French wine and cheese, I normally dislike French entries. There have been exceptions like “Mercy”. This song is fire … literally. In our house, we like to talk about entries that are likely sent by witches. These witches aren’t even trying to keep it a secret. They just come out and say it. I’m here for it. I love it, and the stage show is fantastic. Oddly, I think I might have the most songs from France on my playlist this year.
Likely Appeals To: Practitioners of the Dark Arts & Ravers
Most Likely To Be Heard In: An underground rave or packed European disco scene and other fine edgelord establishments
Georgia — Circus Mircus — “Lock Me In”
Initial Thoughts: Georgia has sent some songs I dug in the past. I loved the Evil-Lyn inspired “Warrior”, and I rocked my face off to “Midnight Gold”. The last few years have been a snoozefest. This song is much better than the last few years, but it is just okay. This music video is pretty great though.
Likely Appeals To: The Indie Alternative Crowd
Most Likely To Be Heard In: The opening of a comedy series along with some animations
Germany — Malik Harris — “Rockstars”
Initial Thoughts: I am not a fan of Germany. The first year I watched ESC, they won with “Satellite”. I wasn’t a fan, but I understood why it won. 10 years later, they had a fire entry but ESC was cancelled. Last year, they sent a troll Jendrik entry. This song is so boring and uninspired, but somehow it’s better than the rest of the songs there were to choose from.
Likely Appeals To: 12 year old boys
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A movie about a kid who wants to be in a band
Greece — Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord — “Die Together”
Initial Thoughts: The last two years, I was spoiled. I absolutely loved the dual Stefania entries of “Supergirl” and “Last Dance”. Her stage show last year was fantastic! And here we are back to snoozy entries. This song is okay, but I can’t imagine it will have any worthwhile stage show.
Likely Appeals To: 11–12 year old girls and 45 year old women
Most Likely To Be Heard In: One of those drama scenes where a car crash happens in the rain, and one person is holding their injured love interest in their arms while screaming into the sky
Iceland — Systur — “Með hækkandi sól”
Initial Thoughts: I absolutely love Iceland as a country and as a ESC contest participant. If I could easily immigrate, I would already have moved there. Of the last 6 years, there is only one song entry I didn’t like. “Hear Them Calling” and “Paper” both had high plays on my playlists. I genuinely wanted Hatari to win with “Hatrið mun sigra” just to make uptight sexually repressed people upset. And the last two years, we were absolutely spoiled with serious contender entries from Daði og Gagnamagnið with “Think About Things” and “10 Years.” This year, Iceland sent the white witch contingent. I’m obsessed with this song, and I’m obsessed with these women and their fantastic musicality. Such a fantastic song.
Likely Appeals To: All women starting around the age of 21
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A dramatic horse riding scene in a western film and the local crystal shop
Ireland — Brooke — “That’s Rich”
Initial Thoughts: As a person who loves Irish food, whiskey, and beer, I’m normally disappointed in Ireland’s lackluster entries. We were lucky to have strong woman Lesley Roy for the last few years with “Story of My Life” and “Maps”. I liked “Maps” a lot. This song is so good and a perfect song for when you are feeling mad at the world. I find myself saying “That’s Rich” a lot now. The video shot in a garage is great, and I like to think that she took the money that she was supposed to spend on this video and took herself to the spa and on a little shopping spree instead.
Likely Appeals To: Messy Tweens & Teens, 20somethings at the club, and the Dirty 30s crowd
Most Likely To Be Heard In: An electronics commercial and Forever 21
Israel — Michael Ben David — “I.M”
Initial Thoughts: Generally, I’m not the biggest fan of Israel in ESC. Dana International is a legend. I enjoyed “Golden Boy”, and “TOY” was fun for the first 20 listens. Eden has a fantastic voice, and “Feker Libi” is my jam. I liked the original cut of “Set Me Free”, but the version they used in ESC was meh. Her high notes are downright impressive. Like Australia, Israel loves pandering to us queers. This is an example of one of those entries. This song isn’t bad, and the video has fun dance moves.
Likely Appeals To: People Still Dancing at 3AM
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A club scene in a woke cable teen show like Euphoria
Italy — Mahmood and Blanco — “Brividi”
Initial Thoughts: I’m not the biggest Mahmood fan. When he competed in 2019 and nearly won, I was one of the people that was left scratching my head. I get who this appeals to and why, but it just isn’t my cup of tea.
Likely Appeals To: People crying in their drink at 1AM
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A dramatic Netflix teen coming of age show
Latvia — Citi Zēni — “Eat Your Salad”
Initial Thoughts: Latvia is a country I am always excited to see. I fell in love with them when they sent “Love Injected” and followed it up with “Heartbeat”. After that they had a skid. I am excited about this entry though. I also really loved “On the Way Home” from this year’s contest.
Likely Appeals To: Under 30 Crowd and Hipsters/Nerds Over 30
Most Likely To Be Heard In: An Earth Day advert and Whole Foods
Lithuania — Monika Liu — “Sentimentai”
Initial Thoughts: Lithuania is on a roll. The last two years we were spoiled with The Roop. Both “On Fire” and “Discoteque” were cuts. Had the 2020 contest not been cancelled, “On Fire” had a chance to win. This song has a similar sort of swanky vibe. It gets stuck in my head often. I really enjoy it, but I wish it was faster.
Likely Appeals To: Moody Lusty People
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A kitschy small plates restaurant
Malta — Emma Muscat — “I Am What I Am”
Initial Thoughts: Malta has been sending radio friendly entries for the past few years. The first one that became an on repeat song for me was “Walk on Water”. Since then, hits like “Taboo”, “Chameleon”, “All of My Love” and “Je Me Casse” have been stuck in my brain. This song is still radio friendly, but not as much of a banger.
Likely Appeals To: Young Girls and Depressed Middle Aged Women
Most Likely To Be Heard In: The montage leading up to the big glow up
Moldova — Zdob și Zdub and Frații Advahov — “Trenulețul”
Initial Thoughts: This is the third time Moldova has sent Zdob și Zdub to ESC. Moldova has a recent history of entertaining us with music videos and stage shows from acts like Sunstroke Project, DoReDoS, and Natalia Gordienko. It is primarily famous for an entry known by the street name Epic Sax. This song is so much fun. It’s stuck in my head all day every day. I want to party on this train!
Likely Appeals To: People on Trains and Drunk Partygoers
Most Likely To Be Heard In: Beer halls all around Europe
Montenegro — Vladana — “Breathe”
Initial Thoughts: Montenegro is not a country that sends things I’m usually into. I appreciated “Игранка” because I love a hot mess stage show. My favorite entry they have sent is Slavko Kalezić because “Space” is a jam, and he was living his best life. To be fair, I though the name of this song was “Unforgivable” because it sticks out more in the song. Wherever she was at in the music video by the water was absolutely gorgeous. This song is what I expect from the Balkans. It’s not my thing, but it’s better than most of the songs they send.
Likely Appeals To: Women Who Read Romance Novels
Most Likely To Be Heard In: Grey’s Anatomy
Netherlands — S10 — “De diepte”
Initial Thoughts: Netherlands is typically a strong contender in ESC. They have won 5 times. They nearly won in 2014 and won in 2019. While the last two years have been lackluster, this song is fantastic. It is something I want to listen to while I am going for a drive through the desert.
Likely Appeals To: The General Public
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A European road trip movie
North Macedonia — Andrea — “Circles”
Initial Thoughts: Macedonia has sent some fun songs over the years. “Дона” is exactly what I think of when I think of them in ESC. The last few years, I have enjoyed the recorded audio of entries like “Dance Alone” and “You”. I want that jacket she is wearing in the video. She looks like the spawn of Mel C and Lady Sovereign. Clearly, she is on the verge of a bad breakup. It’s not my cup of tea.
Likely Appeals To: Upset Teens and Drunk Dirty Thirties Women
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A corner store that sells vape cartridges
Norway — Subwoolfer — “Give That Wolf a Banana”
Initial Thoughts: Norway has been bringing the heat lately. After winning in 2009, they had 5 top 10 finishes and won the televote in 2019. They have one of the best national song contests. That is why I was shocked when at this year’s Melodi Grand Prix. Fantastic entries like “Dance Like a Pink Flamingo” and “With Me Tonight” did not win their Semi-finals nor the Last Chance. Instead we got … Subwoolfer. I know this entry is popular with the menfolk, but it is nowhere near as good as other joke entries like “Amour Fou” or “I Love My Bear”. I’m just mad that Norway has sent crap since 2019, especially when they didn’t send Keiino last year.
Likely Appeals To: Boys & Men
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A movie about a sexual predator
Poland — Ochman — “River”
Initial Thoughts: Since Poland returned to ESC in 2014, they have had some amazing entries. “My Słowianie” is a legendary entry. “Color of Your Life” did well in 2016. Tulia was absolutely robbed of a space in the Grand Final in 2019. Then there was last year’s entry that didn’t even sing in his performance at ESC. This year’s entry is a great song. It gets stuck in my head regularly. If this song was American, I would guess it was Hozier.
Likely Appeals To: Anyone in the Late Teens through Early 40s
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A CW teen drama like Riverdale
Portugal — Maro — “Saudade, saudade”
Initial Thoughts: I am normally not a fan of Portugal at ESC. I’m still salty they won in 2017 rather than Bulgaria or Moldova. At least “Telemóveis” was interesting and had Vega from Street Fighter vibes. This song gives me old school Sara Tavares vibes. While it is slower than I usually like my songs, I really dig this one.
Likely Appeals To: Chilled Out Women 30–70
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A local bookstore
Romania — WRS — “Llámame”
Initial Thoughts: I normally find Romania pretty droll. I did really enjoy “Yodel It!” in 2017. The last two years we had to suffer through the same Billie Eilish ripoff. I am so glad that era is over. This entry is living his best life. This song is a banger, and I’m always happy when it comes on my playlist.
Likely Appeals To: Electronic Music Lovers Aged 30–50
Most Likely To Be Heard In: World Market
San Marino — Achille Lauro — “Stripper”
Initial Thoughts: San Marino is one of my favorite countries in Eurovision. They always make me giggle and keep me entertained. They have given us repeat legends like Valentina Monetta, Serhat, and Senhit. Senhit was straight disrespected last year at Eurovision, and I am still angry about it. This entry is one that I love only because of his wannabe edgelord status. It’s oddly catchy. It’s better than his entry into Sanremo 2022.
Likely Appeals To: Viewers of Banshee, Strippers, and Fans of Strippers
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A Strip Club
Serbia — Konstrakta — “In corpore sano”
Initial Thoughts: You can always count on Serbia to keep it interesting. For the last two years, they have sent The Real Housewives of Belgrade known as Hurricane with bangers “Hasta La Vista” and “Loco Loco”. This is my favorite entry since 2015’s “Beauty Never Lies”. The first time I listened to this, I was like “why does she have to talk about Meghan Markle’s hair?” Then I kept listening, and was like “oh, this song slaps.” This is 100% a witch entry, and I am here for it.
Likely Appeals To: Witches and People Who Love Hand Claps
Most Likely To Be Heard In: An Insurance Commercial
Slovenia — LPS — “Disko”
Initial Thoughts: Typically when I hear Slovenia I never know what to expect. They have sent downright catchy songs like “Here for You” in 2015, strong female bangers like “Hvala ne” in 2018, and slow enchanting tunes like “Sebi” in 2019. But the last two years have been lackluster ballads. This is like a boring version disco version of city pop. It’s fine, but it’s not something I’d go out of my way to vote for.
Likely Appeals To: Disco Enthusiasts Over 40
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A low-budget movie disco scene
Spain — Chanel — “SloMo”
Initial Thoughts: Normally I am not a fan of Spain. In 2019, I was obsessed with “La Venda”, and I still maintain that to this day Miki deserved much better than what he got. That was one of my jams that year. I cannot be upset when I listen to it. This song on the other hand is truly slow-mo. I liked many of the other entries more than this song. While I enjoy it more than other entries Spain has sent, it’s still just okay.
Likely Appeals To: The Youths
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A club around midnight
Sweden — Cornelia Jakobs — “Hold Me Closer”
Initial Thoughts: Sweden is the gold standard of modern Eurovision. It has the best national song competition, Melodifestivalen. Every year, Sweden produces competitive entries. The only time they have not made a final was in 2010. Had ESC not been cancelled in 2020, they very well might have won with “Move”. This year was a battle of the old people songs. There were so many good more youthful pop songs like Klara Hammarström’s banger “Run to the Hills”. Instead we ended up with a battle of Cornelia vs Anders Bagge. I’m glad she won instead of him but woof. She can sing, but this is so meh.
Likely Appeals To: Wine Moms & Lite Beer Dads
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A karaoke session at the neighborhood bar
Switzerland — Marius Bear — “Boys Do Cry”
Initial Thoughts: Switzerland is a country that has its ups and downs. When it’s good, it’s really quite good. The first song that captured my attention was “Hunter of Stars”. They have since sent quite good entries like “She Got Me” and “Tout l’univers” which placed 4th and 3rd respectively. Had France not split the vote with them, Switzerland easily could have won last year. I’m not a fan of ballads, and I think he crushed it and deserved to win. This entry is not that kind of entry at all. It is one of the official entries I cut from my playlist.
Likely Appeals To: Socially Conscious People Who Like to Make Statements
Most Likely To Be Heard In: Some garbage emotional Netflix movie
Ukraine — Kalush Orchestra — “Stefania” (Стефанія)
Initial Thoughts: Ukraine is one of my favorite countries in Eurovision. Out of their prior 16 entries, they have won twice and placed second twice. They are the home of ESC legend Verka Serduchka, the hamster wheel, a flaming vampire, and an electronic band with a wood witch. I always look forward to their entries and wish they could have won last year. After it replaced “Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors”, “Stefania” became a favorite to win ESC, and it isn’t just because of Russian invasion. This song is truly what Eurovision is all about, and I fully expect it to place in the Top 3.
Likely Appeals To: Eurovision Fans Under 50
Most Likely To Be Heard In: Every radio station and club in Europe this year
United Kingdom — Sam Ryder — “Space Man”
Initial Thoughts: For the last 20 years, no country has had it more rough in ESC than the UK. They have sported 5 last place finish and so many more in the bottom 5. Last year, they definitely did not deserve last place. Many other songs were worse, and he gave a good performance. This year, the UK is expected to do well. Their entry is like a weird hipster from the Pacific NW. It’s a good song, but I don’t think it will do as well as the odds boards have it.
Likely Appeals To: Ballad Lovers and The Olds
Most Likely To Be Heard In: A John Lewis Advert
A Word on Voting
Before I dive into the semi-finals next time, I just wanted to give a word on voting. Normally, I would like to talk about if I think an entry will make it through to the Grand Final and where I think people may place overall in the Grand Final. This year things are not so simple.
With Russia being out of the competition because of their assault on Ukraine, all bets are off. Russia typically controls one of the largest voting blocs and pull 12s and 10s from all over Eastern Europe. Last time Russia and Ukraine had beef was in 2016, and it was a relatively close match between Sergei Lazarev and Jamala, with Ukraine coming out on top. But with Russia out, where will all of those extra votes go? I have three likely scenarios.
Scenario 1: We could see brother/sister countries voting in pairs or even small regional alliances. *Cough*Greece*Cough*Cyprus*Cough*. This could serve well for countries that do not want to be involved in politics at ESC and are afraid of potential reprisal/invasion from Russia. (If you think that idea is ludicrous, see Scenario #2’s discussion.) If countries split off into regions or smaller factions, the winner would likely come from Western Europe. (See Scenario #3’s discussion)
Scenario #2: We could see overwhelming support for Ukraine from countries all across Europe. Let’s talk about last time Russia did not participate. It was 2017, their entry was barred from entering Ukraine because they visited Crimea, and Russia ultimately had to withdraw. Ukraine had an awful entry that year, and they did not receive a lot of votes. In 2022, even after their original entry was replaced for visiting Crimea, Ukraine still has a good entry. This could be a uniting force for voters. Oddsmakers have this at about 35%, and I think it is also the most likely outcome.
Scenario #3: It could split again. In 2017, the Eastern voting bloc was largely split between Moldova’s fire entry “Hey Mamma” and Bulgaria’s epic entry “Beautiful Mess”, and the winner ended up being Portugal. In 2022, Poland, Moldova, and Latvia all have promising entries that could catapult forward. If a more serious entry like Poland splits with the lighter side of either Moldova or Latvia, we could easily see another country winning again like Italy or the UK.
No matter which scenario occurs, it is really hard to predict. Next time I will give my hot takes on each semi-final and what I think could and should happen.
