I am a huge Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) fan. When I lived in the DC area, I even went to a fantastic Eurovision party hosted at the Swedish Embassy. After I heard we Americans were going to attempt our version of it, I have been impatiently waiting for it to finally occur. I had to watch to see how bad we would butcher the ESC model.
Overall Thoughts
I watched this online with a group of friends I celebrate Eurovision with. We all expected it to be a complete trash fire. While it was not nearly as quality as what we expect from ESC, it was not horrible. There were even a few entries that theoretically could have been Eurovision entries. As I go through the entries, I will try to discuss how it would fit into the ESC model of show.
Overall, the format is not bad. Given that it has some of the same producers, it is similar to the way Eurovision is done. While ESC does postcards for each entry that focuses on the entry but in some way references the host country, ASC promotes the artists and states in a way that looks as though it was paid for with tourism dollars. These introductions are far too long, and you can tell they are using them to stretch time into a full 2 hour slot.
One of the things ASC does not do is show the jury’s votes. In fact, they yelled out who won the jury vote just as the show was cutting off. Rather than pad with extra time in introductions, it would be more fun to see the jurists and have them put scores up on the screen to build some suspense like they do in ESC. My guess is they are not doing this due to the week long voting that occurs after. I wish everything happened the same night, so we could all enjoy it together.
The brightest spot of this show is definitely Snoop Dogg. He looks like he is having so much fun. He should be the host of America’s coverage of Eurovision. I just want to see him living his best life and dancing to all of the entries.
The Songs
Minnesota — Yam Haus — “Ready to Go”
Let’s start with something that truly matters: the lead singer in this band reminds me of Gabe from The Office. I could not unsee it. They tried to pretend that Yam Haus stood for something, but I’m convinced they were eating yam fries at a bierhaus and the name was born. That made me further convinced this was Gabe’s band that plays the bierhaus on Tuesdays.
This song is not good enough to be an ESC entry. However, if this was in ESC, it would probably come from a place like Czech Republic or Lithuania. Ready to Go is a hard song title to use. Republica made a certified jam in the 90s called Ready to Go, and all songs with this name are judged according to it. For instance, Panic! At the Disco passes the test because they made a banger. The Yam Haus “Ready to Go” is much more poppy but subdued. It’s like having your bloody mary with a Miller High Life chaser at brunch: it’s nothing to write home about, but it’s not so bad you will stop drinking it. I doubt it will go through.
Oklahoma — AleXa — “Wonderland”
Oklahoma sent a K-Pop star. AleXa came to stunt, and I am here for it. Her song was written in part by Swedish pop singer-songwriter Cazzi Opeia, who was in Melfest this year with her entry “I Can’t Get Enough”. I love the costumes, pagan masks, and lighting. I love the choreography and the band fu. The ending where she falls off of the stage is fantastic and gives me Finland “Monster” vibes.
This song is awesome, and it is most definitely good enough to be a ESC entry. If it was in ESC, I would expect it to come from a place like Sweden, Norway, Malta, or Cyprus that likes to send fantastic pop jams. In fact, this entry is so fun that it makes me so bummed that the Eurovision Asia Song Contest never took off. Given there is online voting, I fully expect this to go through, especially if the BTS Army shows up to vote.
Arkansas — Kelsey Lamb — “Never Like This”
This entry is PITCHY and forgettable. It’s like someone wanted to write a song like Kelly Clarkson’s American Idol winning cut “A Moment Like This” but missed the mark. Someone in our Eurovision group pointed out that her hat alone signals a “boring country-infused ballad” in both ESC and here on ASC. I have the same hat in a light pink blush sort of color and feel personally attacked.
This song is what we expect from the lackluster years of countries who try with the indie-country style ballad. However, it is not up to Eurovision snuff. The problem with this song is that it’s slow and boring. It doesn’t really go anywhere. It lacks the panache of a cut like Iceland’s “Hear Them Calling” or Belarus’ “Historyja Majho Zyccia”. I genuinely do not expect this song to go through.
Indiana — UG skywalkin feat. Maxie— “Love in My City”
My husband was stoked for this entry purely based on artist name alone. Neither of us were surprised that Indiana sent a hip-hop entry. This song really could have used better lyrics and a more uptempo beat for the artists to work with. While I didn’t mind this song, I really expected more energy from UG, and instead I got the energy from Maxie. Also, there was a whack backup dancer that looked like a total burnout, and I’m still wondering how he got the gig.
Eurovision has a history of sending hip-hop entries with very mixed results. Italy nearly won Eurovision with “Soldi” in 2019. Songs like Czech Republic’s “omaga” got plenty of spins on my playlist but had horrible stage shows. I have no doubt this song was inspired by Wiz Khalifa’s “Black and Yellow” but lacked the production quality and lyrical prowess. This entry would not make the cut on ESC, and I doubt it will go through on ASC.
Puerto Rico — Christian Pagán — “LOKO”
The first thing I thought when this entry came on was “OMG we have our own version of Alvaro Estrella.” It 100% reminded me of his Melodifestivalen entry with Mendez “Vamos Amigos”. The major problem with this song was that it was just too slow. I was constantly wishing it was more uptempo like “Danza Kuduro” or some great Pitbull jam like “Fireball”. One of our Eurovision group members said this at 1.25x speed is the correct tempo. Try it on YouTube, you won’t be disappointed.
It is really common for Latin dance numbers to be present in the Eurovision mix. In 2022, we have Spain’s “SloMo” (which I accidentally just listened to at 1.25x speed and it was a banger). My personal favorite of recent history that is constantly played in my house is Spain’s “La Venda” from 2019. (Note: The voters robbed Miki! He deserved so much better.) At its current tempo, “LOKO” likely would not win its ESC country final. That being said, it was one of the best numbers of the night, and I think it’s a dark horse to go through.
Connecticut — Michael Bolton — “Beautiful World”
In Michael Bolton’s intro video, it showed a poster of him playing at a venue call Toad’s Place. It was way cooler than anything I saw after that. I said this song would be better if it was not sang by struggling geriatric Bolton, and then my husband pointed out the ultimate version would be sang by Michael McDonald. I cannot unhear it, and I want it recorded stat.
This is a typical “let’s make a better world” flag waving Eurovision song. The best way to learn about this formula it is to just watch “Love Love Peace Peace”. One of our Eurovision group mentioned that they read somewhere this is our response to Anders Bagge’s Melodifestivalen entry “Bigger Than the Universe”. That song almost won Melfest this year. These songs almost always go through to the finals and usually place very well. I think this song will go through on ASC because it will be a hit with the socially conscious boomers wearing Birkenstocks while driving their Subaru to Trader Joe’s. Honestly, I can see Jon Ola Sand driving down the Norwegian coast with his top down to this song.
Iowa — Alisabeth Von Presley — “Wonder”
I really wanted to like Iowa. I enjoy the Iowa State Fair, eat a large amount of Casey’s road pizza, and think Cedar Rapids is pretty rad with a good breakfast game. Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “her idol was P!nk?” That’s definitely the case here. I know what she was trying to do. Little girls love usually love these big girl songs. However, this song is just bad, and she was out of tune for most of her performance.
One of the categories of Eurovision song that are always interesting is the “empowered woman” pop jam. It spreads the gamut from downright awful to great. Some of my recent favorites include Slovenia’s “Hvala, Ne”, Serbia’s “Hasta La Vista”, and Croatia’s “Tick-Tock”. The absolute best version of the empowerment track is when its mixed with your national identity as is the case in the Poland classic “My Słowianie”. The worst is when it’s a slow Balkan ballad. This song completely misses the mark of this category, would not make Eurovision, and it should not go through on ASC.
Wisconsin — Jake’O — “Feel Your Love”
When I think of Wisconsin, I think of things like pop princess Ava Max and drag queen skinny legend Trixie Mattel. (Note: Ava Max’s massive hit “Sweet but Psycho” was written in part by last year’s Norway’s Melodi Grand Prix winner Tix.) There is a legit music scene in Wisconsin right now that is just begging to be let out. Instead of seeing something great, we get Jake’O. Jake’O claimed in his intro video to have created a genre called Nuvo Retro. However, he clearly never heard of Paolo Nutini and his jams like “New Shoes” or the Junkie XL remix of Elvis’ “A Little Less Conversation”. This song was pitchy and derivative.
The party love/lust song is always present at Eurovision. The ultimate party jam was the UK’s entry of “Ooh aah … Just a Little Bit”. Cyprus is the current reigning champion of female singer lust-filled party entries with “Fuego”, “Replay”, and “El Diablo”. The Jake’O version would not make the cut for Eurovision, and I doubt it will make it through here either.
Mississippi — Keyone Starr — “Fire”
Let’s start with something that’s important: Keyone Starr is much better than this song would lead us to believe. Just listen to her jam with Mark Ronson “I Can’t Lose”. This reminds me of when I watch Melfest and a great singer is handed a bad song. It’s like when The Mamas got handed “In the Middle”. It did nothing to showcase their voices, which we all knew were great from listening to what likely would have been the winning song in 2020 with “Move”. This song just goes nowhere, and she deserved better.
This fits in the Eurovision category of “we have a good female singer let’s just have her belt out some notes to showcase her voice” entries. It can vary from slow to uptempo. The pinnacle of quality was Australia’s first entry “Sound of Silence”, which likely could have won if Ukraine and Russia weren’t duking it out. My favorite version of this was Latvia’s “Love Injected”. If The Mamas failed to make it through to Eurovision with “In the Middle”, I’m thinking the same is going to happen here with “Fire.” I don’t expect it to make it to the next round.
Wyoming — Ryan Charles — “New Boot Goofin’”
I absolutely love Reno 911. Lieutenant Dangle is a legend, and he knows all about new boot goofin’. I also happen to love Turquoise Jeep and my man Flynt Flossy. My guess is Ryan Charles loves both of these things as well. He also happens to look like the lovechild of Kenny Powers and Gardner Minshew. This song is a certified cut. I’m obsessed with it and his dancing. If he doesn’t open up for Flynt Flossy in the future, I would be disappointed.
Eurovision is famous for what we refer to as “joke entries”. These songs are never serious, and the stage shows are pure entertaintment. These songs tend to be crowd pleasers. I am a huge stan, and it is why I watch. The quintessential entry is Ukraine’s “Dancing Lasha Tumbai”. This year there are two in Eurovision from Norway and Latvia. I like “New Boot Goofin’” more than this year’s entry from Norway.
These are the songs that divide juries and fans. Often great songs do not make it out of their country finals because juries try to keep the contest boring and predictable. In efforts to remove us from pleasure, juries love to prevent great songs from hitting the stage like France gatekeeping a certified cut in “Amour Fou” and Finland blocking the sheer firestorms known as “Cicciolina” and “I Love You”. I would be shocked if this does not go through to the next round from the fan vote.
Rhode Island — Hueston — “Held on Too Long”
When the TV came on, me and my husband looked at each other and were like “it’s Benny from Supernatural.” I mean, he’s Benny with face tats and a dyed beard. This guy is 100% a Chris Stapleton fan. This is what you get if Chris Stapleton is singing a Hozier song. Generally, ballads are not my cup of tea, but I understand the appeal to the crowd.
This is a song that is trying to win. It is exactly the kind of song that America’s Got Talent and American Idol fans vote for. I am not surprised that the jury sent this through to the final. It is exactly what I expect as a Eurovision fan. The sad heartbroken man is a favorite of juries like the Netherlands’ “Arcade” and Portugal’s “Amor Pelos Dios”. I expect to see the juries score it high in the final as well.
Predictions
Three more entries will move to the finals. Let’s examine some of the numbers online right now from the official American Song Contest outlets…
Spotify Plays
Oklahoma — AleXa — “Wonderland”: 148,370
Connecticut — Michael Bolton — “Beautiful World”: 24,765
Wyoming — Ryan Charles — “New Boot Goofin’”: 22,610
Rhode Island — Hueston — “Held On Too Long”: 15,108
Minnesota — Yam Haus — “Ready to Go”: 14,758
YouTube Plays (Both Video & Audio)
Oklahoma — AleXa — “Wonderland”: 223,966
Wyoming — Ryan Charles — “New Boot Goofin’”: 77,056
Connecticut — Michael Bolton — “Beautiful World”: 64,016
Rhode Island — Hueston — “Held On Too Long”: 58,756
Puerto Rico— Christian Pagán — “LOKO”: 38,941
Across both platforms, there is consistency across the Top 3. Oklahoma, Connecticut, and Wyoming are ahead of the others as well as Rhode Island. This totally tracks with what I expected as I watched the show. Oklahoma brings pop stage show perfection, Connecticut brings the “Love Love Peace Peace,” and Wyoming brings us our classic joke entry. All three should go through and even be tough competition in the final. While there is a chance that Minnesota or Puerto Rico could come through, I just don’t see that happening.
